Florida Man: Savior of the Swamp

By: Nelson Cummiskey

“Some men aren’t looking for anything logical, like money. They can’t be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.”

– Alfred Pennyworth, Batman: The Dark Knight.

There’s a place down south that not many people are familiar with. It’s past the southern border of what some people call the actual U.S. (Below Georgia and Alabama.) Deep in the swamps of Florida, there’s a man who, every now and then, emerges from the gator-infested waters and joins the rest of us on land. Those daring enough to go farther south than “The South” know him all too well. He is… Florida Man.

He is an anomaly. Whenever he appears, creeping from the distant woods or marshes, trouble follows. One Florida Man sighting included this Back-Country Crusader taking a live alligator from its swampy abode into a gas station for a beer run, bursting through the doors and exclaiming, “Y’all ain’t out of beer, are ya?”

He rushed past the stunned worker and through the aisles. Before he could retreat to his marshy home, reporters were able to ask him a few questions. Number one, what kind of “influences” were involved in his decision making here? He was asked whether he had been a bit under the influence; he responded that he was “a lot under the influence.” He didn’t even know where he had acquired his scaly accomplice. The creatures of the swamp seem to just come to his aid in his dark hours.

Florida Man has also been known to attack people with “kindness.” Kindness is one of his favorite weapons in his arsenal. It is hard to wield kindness seems like it wouldn’t be a weapon these days, but Florida Man is very good at using all his resources. Kindness is also a tool one can use just during the day for almost any task. It can be very convincing and get people to really listen to what he has to say. Kindness is also the name of his machete. So, when Santa Rosa County residents yell at him to keep it down, he always has Kindness to back him up.

Once, when Florida Man had been caught with suspected narcotics, the cops thought they could contain him. He managed to chew through the seats with ferocity like the very gator he brought on his beer run, get on to the outside and then have his swamp friends carry him back into the wilderness.

They say the grass is always greener, but at least the clay in Georgia can slow the marsh grass. Florida Man is many things, but he’s definitely not the hero we need.





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