The Best Gifts for Anyone

avacado, thanks

By: Virginia Fuss

When Holiday break rolls around and you realize you’re not ready for that oh-so-sacred Christmas day, it’s time to scrape together some killer gifts for the people you love. Just imagine the humiliation you might experience if their present is better than yours. Stick with these unique ideas and you’ll blow your family away.

  1. The Easy Bake Oven gift. Do your parents spend all day in the kitchen preparing the Christmas meal? Or, now that you’re reflecting on holidays, how stressed is your mother when her sweet potato casserole doesn’t come out just warm enough? The easy bake oven, equipped with one lazily bright light bulb, will solve all these problems, creating a stress-free and cheerful holiday season. All your dishes will come out perfectly undercooked, so instead of sitting on the couch waiting for the adult-sized oven to slowly bake your ham to perfection, you can sit in front of the toilet waiting for the salmonella to do its job!
  2. The popcorn gift. Everyone loves the feeling of slick butter covering their fingers for days after reaching into the steaming hot popcorn bag. Or finding a kernel stuck in a tooth and working all day to fish it out. All you will be able to think about as you enjoy this present is how cheap it was, and you’ll want to profusely thank the gift-giver for saving money. No one likes an unappreciative friend.
  3. The lawn dart gift. Although you’d have to buy this on the black market considering the government banned the game years ago, this is sure to be a party starter anywhere. With two targets and four large razor-sharp darts, this risky gift is a thrilling option. Your little siblings will have a ball in the front yard and won’t ever want to come back inside. As you watch them running around with the sharp darts in hand just think about how you’re helping America’s obesity percentage decrease by that much. It’s the little things that matter. Safety-wise, compared to, say, an airplane for your toddler sibling, this is so much safer—and much less pricey. According to cpsc.gov, “In addition to the death of the seven-year-old girl in April, the Commission is aware of one other lawn dart death. This involved a four-year-old boy and occurred in 1970.” Its death rate is much lower than any airplane or car, so this gift is a sure winner. (Injury due to any use of lawn  darts after reading this article is not the responsibility of nsoracle.)
  4. The handmade gift. Super easy—just find a string on the ground and braid it into a neat bracelet. Or, even better, you can paint a stick or wrap some yarn around a bottle and say it’s from Pinterest. People on Etsy do it year-round, why can’t you do it for a day?
  5. The Re-gift. Whether it’s the terribly knitted Christmas sweater that your grandmother gave you last year or the candle that smells like ‘fresh,’ you can easily pass off either as a brand-new well-thought-out present. People tend to appreciate things that are “vintage,” but nobody has ever specified how recent a “vintage” object really is. It’s all relative man; something from last year can be as vintage as it gets.
  6. Puzzle Pieces. Keep in mind, this doesn’t mean a fresh, unwrapped box full of chunky puzzle pieces. In fact, you could take that 1000-piece puzzle that you’ve never fully finished and find 8 random pieces—just enough for each day of Hanukkah. Wrap each piece up with a nice little bow and you’re good to go. No cost for you and 8/1000s of a puzzle for them. Keep the mystery alive.
  7. Banana Guard gift. Picture this: you’re reaching into your lunchbox after a long morning at work. Your stomach rumbles with the force of a thousand lions. After searching for what feels like days, your hand brushes the rubbery side of a banana. Bingo. You pull it out of your bag, only to be holding a brown, mushy mess. Your heart sinks. Your stomach echoes in the background, angrily churning. Its hungry. It wants revenge. All of this could have been avoided if you had a plastic contraption for banana salvation. Something that will conquer your hunger after the terrible hours of desk-sitting. Something that will keep your banana as yellow as the sun. So, buy a banana guard. Your loved ones will treasure it greatly.
  8. The Nothing gift. Every year, accompanied by the holiday season and cold weather, indecisiveness is felt by all. What should you get your significant other? How should you gift that propane tank to your grill-master dad? And with that indecisiveness comes the telltale phrase, “I don’t want anything this year,” said with a cheery face, as convincing as your blind grandmother describing how she drove to the store for your gift. The thing is, why not make that groundbreaking decision that has never been made before. Don’t get them a gift! Do what they ask and really stick that happy holiday to them.

Now that you’ve got these fantastic ideas for the holiday season, there’s no need to stress. Just spend time with your family, enjoy the days off, and remember the true meaning of the holidays—terrible gift giving.

(nsoracle is not responsible for any Christmas dinners ruined or relatives no longer speaking to you)

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