Reported by the Oracle Staff*
As some readers may be aware, and as former staff writer Jacob Lewis recently observed in an email to the NS Oracle offices recently, the Oracle had been shut down for almost two weeks due to what many thought was a technical glitch, and what others thought were unpaid bills; the truth however is far, far more sinister.
The Oracle staff has learned that in a desperate attempt to catch up with Marvel Studios, Warner Brothers, the media conglomerates that owns DC comics properties such as Superman, Wonder Woman, and Justice League, sent a cease and desist letter to our online high school newspaper informing us that the domain “Oracle” have been purchased by Warner in an effort to promote a newly rebooted Matrix movie series.
”Yes, it’s true, said Warner Brothers lawyer, Bill S. Preston, Esq. “ I can’t comment too much about it, but Warner Brothers. is planning to build a studio in Atlanta to compete with Marvel’s Pinewood. and we wanted to endure that the Oracle web domain would not be used by anyone else in the area to avoid confusion with our multi million dollar property reboot.”
Explained Preston, the Oracle was a major character in the original Matrix series, who it seems will be returning in the newly remade movie that is slated to film in Atlanta next year. The character of the oracle was immortalize in a scene where she told heroic hacker Thomas Anderson, a.k.a. Neo, that he could use the power of his imagination to bend a spoon. When asked how that was possible, the Oracle dropped her famous line, “There is no spoon.”
North Springs food service staff was contacted to see if they could provide any clue about filming at the school , in which one worker, who asked not to be identified, said, “It’s true at North Springs cafeteria, there are no spoons, but we do have a large amount of unused Sporks.”
After this traveled around the Internet, social media lit up like the matrix itself Speculation that this quote provided a clue about a new major character named Sporck.
No news about casting had been announced. although there are rumors that Keanu Reeves, who played Neo, will play in important cameo role in the new series, which will be written and co- directed by master of science fiction franchise reboots, JJ Abrams. The fact that Abrams rebooted the 2009 “Star Trek” series, which contain a character named Spock, I had to wild fan speculation that Spork was a reincarnation of neo and would be played by Mr. Reeves.
“We can’t comment about any casting or directing at this time,” said Warner Brothers’ Ted “Theodore” Logan, intellectual property rights officer at Warner. “Webcan only say that we own the right to the Oracle domain to protect our intellectual property against perpetrators such as the NS Oracle.
The North Springs administration remarked, “We will also add that this rumor about sporks is ridiculous. You know, no one at North Springs actually eats the food, let alone with utensils, because a wide variety of snacks are available in the vending machines in the commons.”
Warner’s spokesperson Logan went further on to state that while “We understand that the Oracle is a long time high school publication, Warner Brotters cannot risk losing billions of dollars of Georgia tax credits on account of the five North Springs students who actually read the online paper, including its staff of four and the aforementioned former staff writer, Jacob Lewis, who could clearly see the writing on the wall when he quit the staff at the end of last year so that he can free himself up to purchase Warner stock.”
Lewis himself denied anything about purchasing one or stocks and could not be reached for further comment. He issued a statement through NS Oracle staff writer and gossip column writer Makayka Scerbo, who said, “Jacob was afraid to say anything at the time, because he still owed Oracle sponsor Mr. Throne an op/ed about ‘Justice League.’” Scerbo added, “ however I know he never finished it because he knew Mr. Throne was the only person who liked the movie and was afraid of getting a bad grade for a mostly negative review. I find this reprehensible because the world should be warned about the movie to the fullest extent possible or justice will not be served, and we thought Jacob would be the one to protect us.”
Staff sports writer Nelson Cummisk said of the dropping of the Oracle domain, “Why is Warner so concerned with reviving a movie series that got increasingly worse as it went along? Nobody was around when the movie first came out let alone knows what an Oracle is, less they were actually paying attention during the 10th grade reading of Antigone. Even then most people know the Oracle as the dude who claimed that Antigone’s dad would rip his own eyes out so unless Warner is planning to make decent movie of that that we can watch in class instead of using spark notes I don’t know what the problem is.”
Cummiskey sdded, “That’s ok, The loss of the Oracle means I’ll have time freed up to run cross country and pursue a real writing career with the Dunwoody Crier.”
Staff entertainment writer Dream Nelson said, “I don’t care what happens to the Oracle, as long as I can meet Keanu.”
Staff writer Jessie Reyes had no comment, except to say she’s glad about the loss of the Oracle domain because it means “I won’t have to try to re-design a new logo.”
The Oracle staff reached out for comment to actor Lawrence Fishburne, who is currently in town filming an undisclosed role in the upcoming Marvel Studios’ “Avengers V: Not another avengers movie.”
Of the Warner/Oracle domain debacle, and what may really have transpired. Fishbirne only had this to say: “Have you ever read an article that you were so sure was real?”
The Matrix Reboot II: Oracle Boogaloo is slated to start filming in Atlanta in 2019 with release date scheduled for the following year on 4/1.
*Additional reporting by Hugo Wee Ving and Carry N. Moss